Christmas

I love Christmas.  I don't have many  presents to buy, or lots of food to prepare, so it's always a chance to see people,  overeat, watch telly, go for walks.  Last year was my first Christmas single probably since my teens.  Part way through the year L asked if we could try again, so we're trying again.  In the run-up to Christmas I felt uncertain, I was looking back to last year, and how sad I felt.  And it seemed slightly unreal that he should have come back.  Reconciliation is a hard process for all concerned.  And I'm not sure if you can ever feel it's totally over.  But I've had a lovely Christmas, and am feeling settled and happy, so I hope this positivity will continue long into the new year.

Ebooks

I've just been reading my first ever ebook.  I downloaded Jennifer Egan's Visit from the Goon Squad to my netbook from the public library.  I've got it for 21 days, after which it will dissolve into bits & disappear.  I've almost finished reading it, and have been thinking about the experience of reading electronic versus print.  I found it very easy to read on the netbook.  I read quite quickly & what I hadn't liked about trying an e-reader previously was that not much text is displayed on the screen so you have to keep 'turning the page'.  However I found that hovering my cursor over the down arrow was very simple, and I could whizz through the pages, more easily in fact than holding a book.  However, what I find interesting is that I miss the sense of knowing where I am in a book by looking visually at where the bookmark is in the book.  It's made the story feel a bit disjointed.  The Goon Squad is a series of chapters about a group of people at different times in their lives, and with different narrators, so it is perhaps more difficult to follow than a traditional consecutive narrative.  But I think there is something about the physical sensation of getting through a book that's missing.  Also, I often read in bed, lying on my side with the book resting on the pillow a page at a time.  And I can't do that with the netbook, and I don't think I'd be able to do it easily with an e-reader, because of needing to turn the pages quickly.    The other thing which feels completely counter-intuitive is using electricity to read.   I know I could get some sort of solar recharger (maybe?) for my netbook, but at the moment it draws power ultimately from the national grid, and so seems wasteful.

But it's been a very easy way to get a library book.  And as someone who sometimes reads very quickly, and then forgets to take the books back, it's a good alternative to print, but I wouldn't want it to be the only method of getting books in future.

Good intentions

Start of academic year, autumn pretty much here, bit of a steep curve up to Christmas, time for some resolutions.

• Have bought a vegan cookbook to make a vegan recipe a week

• Will try for 3 blocks of 15 mins exercise a week (setting the bar v low)
• Will try to look out for locally sourced Christmas presents

Last time I set some resolutions I didn't keep them.  But the nature of being hopeful is to just start again.

And finally saw this today, and I just like it.

Dog Poet Transmitting....... 'May your noses always be cold and wet'

Gardening

I find gardening very therapeutic, but getting new plants is becoming addictive.  It's interesting to think about the garden in different stages, and to attempt to get colour & interest throughout the year.

My garden is at its best in early spring; there are lots of bulbs, and also spring flowers on the gravel area such as pulmonaria & aquilegia which spring up every year.

I'm now trying to introduce some more colour for summer, and also to improve the soil which is a fairly heavy clay.

The pond has been a big success I think, and has given me lots of pleasure looking at the snails, newts, frogs & water beetles zooming around. 

In a couple of weeks I'm going to get some shrubs pulled out that don't seem to support much.  And possibly I'll get a greenhouse, if I can bear to spend the vast price they cost.

Ideally at some point the garden will be perfect, and the weather will then become perfect for enjoying it.  I can but dream.

Autumn approaching

End of August, and autumn is on its way.  It's been an unsatisfactory summer weather wise I think.  No prolonged periods of sunshine to enjoy, and some cool temperatures.  What I always enjoy though is the easier commute, longer evenings, and the feeling of being off school even when you're not.

The run up to Christmas can be a drag.  But I always feel quite excited because of migratory birds.  And this year, I'm going to plant some flower seeds to overwinter, & I might even have a greenhouse which will add some new pottering possibilities.

Work seems to be entering a very irritating and frustrating stage.  I suspect that the budget cuts will make it increasingly so.  People become more defensive of their little areas, and rather than pulling together set out to fight for their own corner.  And I feel less and less proud of working in a university, the more it becomes an economic factory etc.  Read a good article about this today, can't find it now, but from these guys http://plutopress.wordpress.com/tag/des-freedman/

And I hope I'll get a dog before Christmas.  I wonder if it will be like a child, and give my life a purpose?

Cassandra

Blimey, well how was I to know that writing a blog about most people being good, and how we get too much focus on negatives in the media would lead to looting, riots, and demonstrations of the worse side of people?

I feel angry at the wanton destruction & lack of care for others that quite a few of the looters have shown.  But I know that to resist the temptation when everyone around you is grabbing stuff that seems to be going free would take a lot of willpower. 

It concerns me that the reactions to the behaviours have focused on retribution.  Haven't we learnt that locking up doesn't solve someone's lack of prospects.  And that our conspicuous consumerism, inequalities and general sleaze of many in authority are also not going to lead to a healthy balanced future.

Anyway, there have been some good articles & blogs I've read, which give me hope.


http://pme200.blogspot.com/2011/08/scum.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/aug/09/uk-riots-psychology-of-looting 

Camila from Kids Company in Indie

Human nature

Lots of things been happening, and lots of times thoughts of blog posts have floated in & out of my consciousness.  At some point I might write a bit about marriage guidance counselling, the use of fear as a motivational force & other stuff.
But today I've been thinking about the human need for bad news, and for hearing about bad people.  I don't read the tabloids much, but from people who do I hear that single mums, asylum seekers, benefit scroungers etc are the scourge of modern society.   Some people I know have countless stories of feckless individuals, and to be honest the crime thrillers I read or watch on tv are full of evil, depraved inhuman people.  And yet clearly these people are a very small minority.  So why do we give them so much of our thought?  Is it fear;  relief that we haven't turned out like that; a fascination with a more thrilling if unpleasant side to life?
I don't like the idea of a feelgood media, & find things like that Esther Rantzen hearts of gold programme utterly turgid but I wish that there was a bit more focus on celebrating the fact that most of us are decent, hardworking, and not entirely perfect but doing our best.

New media

It's been an incredible week for the media.  The newspapers have become the news, and at last an assault has been made on the Murdoch stranglehold on media.  It's been fascinating to watch the changes, although it still seems hard to believe that anything long-term will change.
I've never been a tabloid reader, just not very interested in gossip.  And I dislike the sanctimonious tones they take, when frankly none of us are perfect.  Several people have picked up that the hate press of the Mail/Express hasn't yet suffered.  I would love to see them in decline, their small-minded pettiness and hatred of immigrants, women, gay people, and just about anyone who isn't like them is poisonous.

I started this blog thinking about the influence of Twitter, blogs etc on the political climate.  It does feel as if for the first time there is a more democratised way of expressing an opinion, and of it being heard.  It interests me that I can find other people who have similar views via Twitter, not just political, but interests such as birds, moths.  But it's reassuring, it's as if we're not so isolated.  And I think that the general public view is more tolerant than in the past,  though perhaps I'm cushioned.

But it's hard to know how this hacking bloodbath will end.  Pulp fiction...

A four-legged friend?

For a couple of years I've been thinking about getting a dog.  There are so many positives that they add to life, and I long for a little companion to fuss over & cuddle, who will love me back adoringly.  But I know that this is about satisfying my needs, and may not be the best thing for the dog, as I am at work for long periods 4 days a week, so it will have to be alone for that time, which may be difficult.  Lots of people do have dogs that stay at home while they work though, and if there are regular walks, and toys to play with during the day maybe it'll be OK.  I shall keep thinking about it...

Therapy of gardening

Spent a lovely day enjoying the incredible warmth, in contrast to the chilly rain of last Sunday.  I cut the grass & trimmed around the pond.  Still want to get some more plants for it, perhaps grasses would be good.  Need to be natural-looking.

In the afternoon went around gardens in Norwich, great for nosiness factor.  Lime Tree Road has some incredibly large houses & gardens.  I actually found those gardens sometimes lacking imagination - the beds weren't packed & there were large areas of grass.  Much more interesting were the gardens on Park Lane, York Street, Carnarvon Road and West Parade.  Some intriguing architecture as well.  I would love a conservatory, saw some beautiful ones today, both traditional and also a steel-framed garden room with a folding door.  Will have to think how to fit one in here.

France

Just want to capture a few memories of France.  Spent a week in the south - Avignon, Arles & Lyon.

• Beautiful architecture in all the places
• Surprising number of beggars/posh kids playing at living rough
• Delicious fruit - cherries, plums, peaches, nectarines
• Delicious cheese & bread
• Apricot & lavender jam
• River Gard warm for paddling, Med quite cold
• Nightingales singing in woods near Pont du Gard
• Winnie from Hong Kong was a delightful companion around the Camargue
• Wonderful sight of flocks of pink flamingoes
• Smooth & easy travel on the trains
• Never seen such an amazing large hall as the dining room at Palais des Papes
• No mosquitoes in Camargue, but they made a beeline (?) for us that evening in Arles
• Wine/beer quite expensive in restaurants
• Swifts & housemartins everywhere

What's real life?

Last time I was on holiday, it struck me that when I went back to work, that the 'real world' is life outside of work.  Our culture seems to view the workplace with a reverence that suggests it's more important than life outside.  Maybe this is a product of patriarchy whereby male activities are more valuable than female.

I like work, I like to achieve things, but  I like my life outside of work more.  The ideal would be a job with birds or something else that feels like reality to me.  I value education greatly, and am proud to work in support of that, but there are so many structures that have built up primarily to make people important.  Hmm.  Better stop now, 3 homemade cocktails probably making me ramble (Moscow Mule, Basil Gimlet & Pimms & ginger)

Happiness project

The grieving and painful stage has continued, and I've also been feeling angry.  It's made me distracted and I've been eating lots of chocolate & cakes.  Last wek I nearly had to pay a £50 parking fee & also got on the wrong train with the risk of paying the full fare.  Luckily in both cases the officials showed a human side  & let me off.  What upset me wasn't so much the thought of the cost but my incompetence at getting into those situations.  Anyway, after a difficult week,  I saw Leon who came to fetch his bike, and I had a cathartic sob.  Now I feel much calmer, and am looking forward to a holiday with friends.  But I'm still searching for answers, and ways to feel better so I was googling loss, loneliness, happiness and came across the happiness project which is interesting.

One strategy I'm using is to try to make some plans.  So I would like to go to the Chelsea Flower show next year, and to Scotland,   and maybe the year after to Costa Rica for some superb bird watching.  I will try to cook a new recipe each month from my cookery books & blog a photo of it.  And maybe I should think about changes to the garden & some redecorating.

All good things to look forward to.  well, not the decorating...

One step forward, one step back

Decided to document that though I'm not feeling more positive, I'm probably not feeling any worse.  So i'm stationary, which is better than going backwards.  On the negative side I'm still feeling a bit tearful quite often, and indecisive, useless blah blah blah.  On the positive side I have read a couple of books in the last few days, and although I feel tearful, most of the time I don't cry.  It's the inner monologue which is the problem, constantly trying to analyse what went wrong, and wishing things were 'normal' again. And I've got to recognise that often that inner voice is the same for many people in different circumstances, and it's just a case of telling it to shut up. So shut up!  And I shall feel good about regaining my interest in tv. with a dvd of the excellent Danish thriller 'The Killing' which is going to keep me going for a while.

Holiday time

So I've had 2 weeks & 1 day off work.  Tomorrow I'm going to an event in London, so will be back properly on Wednesday.

Sometimes doing nothing can seem very wasteful.  And it feels like I've not been very active during my break.  And in a bit of low part of the separation process, a grieving stage.  I've had to do some tidying up and have come across memories - cards, clothes, books.  So I want to take some positive thoughts out of the last couple of weeks, to remember that I don't have to be busy all the time, and that what I do is worthwhile.

So here's a quick list:

• went birdwatching with Stan.  It was quiet bird-wise, but we did see a whitethroat which was a new one for him, and we heard a bittern which lots of people would love to do
• Visited relatives in Wales.  Good to do
• Some tidying and planting in the garden
• Tidied the garage, and removed the rat mess.  Yuk that was very smelly
• Done lots of cooking, including cakes for wildlife trust open garden yesterday
• Had some nice walks

OK that's better than I thought.  I'm not reading much at the moment, but perhaps during my next break in 3 weeks (!) I'll get some done.

Pond update

About a year ago I got a pond dug at the end of the garden.  It's now looking nicely established.  I got pond plants via Freecycle, which also brought snails.  The snails have thrived, as have the plants.  The banks created from the topsoil have been covered by mostly weeds, but ones that I want such as brunnera & forget-me-nots.  I had a few bulbs, and there are a couple of arum lilies which I hope will have survived the winter.

The pond shape has worked out OK.  One change I would make would be to lower the ridge slightly, as whenever the water level drops the liner is exposed, which isn't very attractive.  However, I hope that eventually some weeds will grow over that.
A slight disappointment is the lack of frogs.  I hoped for frogspawn this year.  But after the snake incident last September, perhaps they've been scared away.  I've seen one small one, so maybe more will find it eventually.

Spring fever

Being off work can do wonders for my state of mind.  I've got over 2 weeks away from work, thanks to the bank holidays, 4 day week & a few days' leave.  Yesterday was spent in a very leisurely way, ending up with a lovely meal at Frank's Bar in Norwich.  Today was sunny, went to conservation on the marshes.  It was incredibly hot in the sunshine & by the fires that we burn to dispose of the scrub.  Then had a large Sunday lunch with friends, followed by a drink by the river.  Came home, made a banana cake & chocolate torte.  Andnow feel good and very very relaxed.

Thought this article was good about the current aim to make people happy.   And the fact that markets & much of the Tory ideology makes people unhappier.  I especially like the idea that we should have Action for Things to be Basically OK.  I've tried some of the self-help techniques, and the affirmation stuff didn't really work for me.  And I'm uncomfortable with the idea that anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it. I think that getting through life causing the least harm to the environment and others should be our aim.

Having a moan

Been feeling a bit low for a while now.  Just under the surface all the time.  A kind of gnawing sadness.  And I feel resentment.  I resent that it feels like Leon has exchanged my happiness for his own.  Which is not how it is, and is also a very selfish view.  And there's a fear that the best, happiest part of my life is over, gone.  Which is ridiculous. And because of the hard winter some of my favourite plants have died which feels symbolic.

OK, so let's do a bit of positive thinking.  The weather is very clear, not hot today, but sunny.  Birds are singing.  Adam & Joe show is back.  Got time off work over Easter.  Hmm.  To be lonely in.  No!  To enjoy.  Maybe I need to get a dog.

Coalition of protest

So the march for the alternative to the cuts was a massive, peaceful, good-natured affair in my experience.  Inspiring to see so many people together, from all walks of life.   There were some excellent banners & talented musicians & artists as well as lots of families.
But what will happen next?  I hope there will continue to be protests against the wholesale dismantlement of our NHS, support & education services.  The government doesn't have a mandate for what it's doing.

Everybody out!

Today & Tuesday I've been on strike.  We're in dispute over changes to the pension scheme. Not opposed to changes,  but to the reduced benefits that are proposed.  Also asking for a national agreement on job security.  Going on strike really is a last resort.  Basically, you lose a day's pay, and all those people who don't strike benefit from any concessions that are obtained.  I've been on the picket line both days, which I was a bit nervous about beforehand.  Thought there might be just two of us, and that lots of people would just ignore us, or be hostile.  In fact, there were always around 4-5 of us at the different gates, and we had people coming and going all the time.  The weather was beautiful, and most people coming in were receptive, and supportive.

I suspect further action will be required, and it's going to get a lot harder each time.  However, today was good for meeting sound people who care about things.

Saturday I go on the march for the alternative  I'm looking forward to it, and hope it will go well & get lots of media coverage.  And will show the coalition that there is a lot of feeling against their programme of cuts.

Little things

It's strange what sometimes reminds me of the changes of the last 6 months.  Almost 6 months to the day.  Today I went to Great Yarmouth.  This used to be a kind of guilty pleasure for me & Leon.  We'd go during the off season, have a bit of a walk on the beach, and get all sorts of household stuff from Wilkinson's. Today was the first time in about 20 years that I've paid much attention to the cleaning products' aisles.  Leon has a zeal for cleaning, with the result that he would select the products to use on the floor, cooker, shower etc.  And as an atypically (I bet it's not that atypical) unhouseproud woman, I'd leave him to it.  Both the purchasing, and much of the cleaning.

So today felt quite poignant.  And I'm still not that good at being on my own.  I like company.  But I haven't let the sadness get me down.  Fortunately it's been a nice day, so I was able to plant some of the 100 summer bulbs that I got from Wilko when I got home.  And that's the sort of thing that makes me glad to be alive.

Belly dancing & burlesque

I've always had a strong antipathy towards 'exotic' dancing, seeing it as an extension of the objectification of women's bodies.  And as someone not always comfortable with her body, I've been very aware of the fact that this objectification often distorts women's body shape or their sense of what's acceptable.

But in recent years, women have reclaimed some forms of dance, and it's become an area of discussion for feminists.

I'm stll not quite sure what I think about pole dancing, and burlesque, but on Friday night I belly danced, and also enjoyed watching a belly dancer in a Lebanese restaurant in Cardiff.  And I realised that she was enjoying dancing, that there can be female enjoyment in these activities for their own sake.

Not going to start bellydancing regularly mind you, far too energetic for me.  But glad that I've mellowed a bit in my old age.

Quality time

Been off work this week, but feel like I need a holiday now to recover, as it's been busy, all in a positive way though.

Went to 2 gigs at the Waterfront love that venue.  British Sea Power were superb.  Definitely worth hearing live.  And then the Go Team were very different but equally enjoyable.  Their show is so energetic & fun, I loved dancing to it, haven't danced properly for years.  Might try and do that more often, could aim for once every 2 months, that should be achievable.

Then I spent time with my nephew, niece & cousin's daughter.  They came to stay at mine  & we had great fun.
The end of the week I drove to Derbyshire to see Babs & Kate.  Kate brought her 3 up from Hagley, and we adults caught up over Babs' delicious cooking.  We realised that we've known each other now for 20 years this year!  Seems incredible,  I still think of them as recent friends. 


Now it's a glorious day, although the wind is cold, and I'm thinking about doing a little bit in the garden, and thinking about holidays & enjoying life.

Keep up the habit

Spent a few days in the Lake District at a repository conference.  Repository managers are often keen social networkers - so the tweet backchannel was lively.  When I started using Twitter,  I found it quite tiring to keep focused on speakers, making my own notes, and adding comments to Twitter that might be of use to others.  I now find it second nature.  I must admit I am sometimes rather flippant in my comments, the backchannel can get a bit bitchy, but it also cements together participants both attending an event, and those watching the twitter feed, so I think it's a welcome addition.

Things are feeling good in my world.  Looking forward to longer days, spring activity from the birds, insects & flowers.  And spending time with special people.

The wider world is not so good.  The government seems determined to wreck some of the things that make this country great - free health care, (relatively) accessible countryside,  public libraries that promote culture and learning, a postal service that does so much more than deliver letters.

Anyone who cares about these things, please do something, stand up and be counted eg on  March 26th in London.

Only connect

It's been really interesting the last few weeks how there are overlaps between areas of my life, and how I've discovered them mainly via Twitter.  I work in a university library.  It wasn't a choice I made actively,  I was 'restructured' into it, but as it's increasingly digital, and i'm interested in that I've developed that side of my role.

I've always been interested in communication, did a language degree, then speech therapy.  Now with the internet there is a whole movement looking at science communication:  sharing data, collaborating online, engaging with the public.  So that's where some of my interests start to collide.

Then I follow the band British Sea Power, and Robin Ince the comedian, both of whom are promoting campaigns to save public libraries.  Another collision.

Is it because Twitter makes it easier to find people with similar interests?  Whatever the reason, I find it very satisfying, and productive.