Happiness project

The grieving and painful stage has continued, and I've also been feeling angry.  It's made me distracted and I've been eating lots of chocolate & cakes.  Last wek I nearly had to pay a £50 parking fee & also got on the wrong train with the risk of paying the full fare.  Luckily in both cases the officials showed a human side  & let me off.  What upset me wasn't so much the thought of the cost but my incompetence at getting into those situations.  Anyway, after a difficult week,  I saw Leon who came to fetch his bike, and I had a cathartic sob.  Now I feel much calmer, and am looking forward to a holiday with friends.  But I'm still searching for answers, and ways to feel better so I was googling loss, loneliness, happiness and came across the happiness project which is interesting.

One strategy I'm using is to try to make some plans.  So I would like to go to the Chelsea Flower show next year, and to Scotland,   and maybe the year after to Costa Rica for some superb bird watching.  I will try to cook a new recipe each month from my cookery books & blog a photo of it.  And maybe I should think about changes to the garden & some redecorating.

All good things to look forward to.  well, not the decorating...

One step forward, one step back

Decided to document that though I'm not feeling more positive, I'm probably not feeling any worse.  So i'm stationary, which is better than going backwards.  On the negative side I'm still feeling a bit tearful quite often, and indecisive, useless blah blah blah.  On the positive side I have read a couple of books in the last few days, and although I feel tearful, most of the time I don't cry.  It's the inner monologue which is the problem, constantly trying to analyse what went wrong, and wishing things were 'normal' again. And I've got to recognise that often that inner voice is the same for many people in different circumstances, and it's just a case of telling it to shut up. So shut up!  And I shall feel good about regaining my interest in tv. with a dvd of the excellent Danish thriller 'The Killing' which is going to keep me going for a while.

Holiday time

So I've had 2 weeks & 1 day off work.  Tomorrow I'm going to an event in London, so will be back properly on Wednesday.

Sometimes doing nothing can seem very wasteful.  And it feels like I've not been very active during my break.  And in a bit of low part of the separation process, a grieving stage.  I've had to do some tidying up and have come across memories - cards, clothes, books.  So I want to take some positive thoughts out of the last couple of weeks, to remember that I don't have to be busy all the time, and that what I do is worthwhile.

So here's a quick list:

• went birdwatching with Stan.  It was quiet bird-wise, but we did see a whitethroat which was a new one for him, and we heard a bittern which lots of people would love to do
• Visited relatives in Wales.  Good to do
• Some tidying and planting in the garden
• Tidied the garage, and removed the rat mess.  Yuk that was very smelly
• Done lots of cooking, including cakes for wildlife trust open garden yesterday
• Had some nice walks

OK that's better than I thought.  I'm not reading much at the moment, but perhaps during my next break in 3 weeks (!) I'll get some done.