What's real life?

Last time I was on holiday, it struck me that when I went back to work, that the 'real world' is life outside of work.  Our culture seems to view the workplace with a reverence that suggests it's more important than life outside.  Maybe this is a product of patriarchy whereby male activities are more valuable than female.

I like work, I like to achieve things, but  I like my life outside of work more.  The ideal would be a job with birds or something else that feels like reality to me.  I value education greatly, and am proud to work in support of that, but there are so many structures that have built up primarily to make people important.  Hmm.  Better stop now, 3 homemade cocktails probably making me ramble (Moscow Mule, Basil Gimlet & Pimms & ginger)

Happiness project

The grieving and painful stage has continued, and I've also been feeling angry.  It's made me distracted and I've been eating lots of chocolate & cakes.  Last wek I nearly had to pay a £50 parking fee & also got on the wrong train with the risk of paying the full fare.  Luckily in both cases the officials showed a human side  & let me off.  What upset me wasn't so much the thought of the cost but my incompetence at getting into those situations.  Anyway, after a difficult week,  I saw Leon who came to fetch his bike, and I had a cathartic sob.  Now I feel much calmer, and am looking forward to a holiday with friends.  But I'm still searching for answers, and ways to feel better so I was googling loss, loneliness, happiness and came across the happiness project which is interesting.

One strategy I'm using is to try to make some plans.  So I would like to go to the Chelsea Flower show next year, and to Scotland,   and maybe the year after to Costa Rica for some superb bird watching.  I will try to cook a new recipe each month from my cookery books & blog a photo of it.  And maybe I should think about changes to the garden & some redecorating.

All good things to look forward to.  well, not the decorating...

One step forward, one step back

Decided to document that though I'm not feeling more positive, I'm probably not feeling any worse.  So i'm stationary, which is better than going backwards.  On the negative side I'm still feeling a bit tearful quite often, and indecisive, useless blah blah blah.  On the positive side I have read a couple of books in the last few days, and although I feel tearful, most of the time I don't cry.  It's the inner monologue which is the problem, constantly trying to analyse what went wrong, and wishing things were 'normal' again. And I've got to recognise that often that inner voice is the same for many people in different circumstances, and it's just a case of telling it to shut up. So shut up!  And I shall feel good about regaining my interest in tv. with a dvd of the excellent Danish thriller 'The Killing' which is going to keep me going for a while.

Holiday time

So I've had 2 weeks & 1 day off work.  Tomorrow I'm going to an event in London, so will be back properly on Wednesday.

Sometimes doing nothing can seem very wasteful.  And it feels like I've not been very active during my break.  And in a bit of low part of the separation process, a grieving stage.  I've had to do some tidying up and have come across memories - cards, clothes, books.  So I want to take some positive thoughts out of the last couple of weeks, to remember that I don't have to be busy all the time, and that what I do is worthwhile.

So here's a quick list:

• went birdwatching with Stan.  It was quiet bird-wise, but we did see a whitethroat which was a new one for him, and we heard a bittern which lots of people would love to do
• Visited relatives in Wales.  Good to do
• Some tidying and planting in the garden
• Tidied the garage, and removed the rat mess.  Yuk that was very smelly
• Done lots of cooking, including cakes for wildlife trust open garden yesterday
• Had some nice walks

OK that's better than I thought.  I'm not reading much at the moment, but perhaps during my next break in 3 weeks (!) I'll get some done.

Pond update

About a year ago I got a pond dug at the end of the garden.  It's now looking nicely established.  I got pond plants via Freecycle, which also brought snails.  The snails have thrived, as have the plants.  The banks created from the topsoil have been covered by mostly weeds, but ones that I want such as brunnera & forget-me-nots.  I had a few bulbs, and there are a couple of arum lilies which I hope will have survived the winter.

The pond shape has worked out OK.  One change I would make would be to lower the ridge slightly, as whenever the water level drops the liner is exposed, which isn't very attractive.  However, I hope that eventually some weeds will grow over that.
A slight disappointment is the lack of frogs.  I hoped for frogspawn this year.  But after the snake incident last September, perhaps they've been scared away.  I've seen one small one, so maybe more will find it eventually.

Spring fever

Being off work can do wonders for my state of mind.  I've got over 2 weeks away from work, thanks to the bank holidays, 4 day week & a few days' leave.  Yesterday was spent in a very leisurely way, ending up with a lovely meal at Frank's Bar in Norwich.  Today was sunny, went to conservation on the marshes.  It was incredibly hot in the sunshine & by the fires that we burn to dispose of the scrub.  Then had a large Sunday lunch with friends, followed by a drink by the river.  Came home, made a banana cake & chocolate torte.  Andnow feel good and very very relaxed.

Thought this article was good about the current aim to make people happy.   And the fact that markets & much of the Tory ideology makes people unhappier.  I especially like the idea that we should have Action for Things to be Basically OK.  I've tried some of the self-help techniques, and the affirmation stuff didn't really work for me.  And I'm uncomfortable with the idea that anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it. I think that getting through life causing the least harm to the environment and others should be our aim.

Having a moan

Been feeling a bit low for a while now.  Just under the surface all the time.  A kind of gnawing sadness.  And I feel resentment.  I resent that it feels like Leon has exchanged my happiness for his own.  Which is not how it is, and is also a very selfish view.  And there's a fear that the best, happiest part of my life is over, gone.  Which is ridiculous. And because of the hard winter some of my favourite plants have died which feels symbolic.

OK, so let's do a bit of positive thinking.  The weather is very clear, not hot today, but sunny.  Birds are singing.  Adam & Joe show is back.  Got time off work over Easter.  Hmm.  To be lonely in.  No!  To enjoy.  Maybe I need to get a dog.