Therapy of gardening

Spent a lovely day enjoying the incredible warmth, in contrast to the chilly rain of last Sunday.  I cut the grass & trimmed around the pond.  Still want to get some more plants for it, perhaps grasses would be good.  Need to be natural-looking.

In the afternoon went around gardens in Norwich, great for nosiness factor.  Lime Tree Road has some incredibly large houses & gardens.  I actually found those gardens sometimes lacking imagination - the beds weren't packed & there were large areas of grass.  Much more interesting were the gardens on Park Lane, York Street, Carnarvon Road and West Parade.  Some intriguing architecture as well.  I would love a conservatory, saw some beautiful ones today, both traditional and also a steel-framed garden room with a folding door.  Will have to think how to fit one in here.

France

Just want to capture a few memories of France.  Spent a week in the south - Avignon, Arles & Lyon.

• Beautiful architecture in all the places
• Surprising number of beggars/posh kids playing at living rough
• Delicious fruit - cherries, plums, peaches, nectarines
• Delicious cheese & bread
• Apricot & lavender jam
• River Gard warm for paddling, Med quite cold
• Nightingales singing in woods near Pont du Gard
• Winnie from Hong Kong was a delightful companion around the Camargue
• Wonderful sight of flocks of pink flamingoes
• Smooth & easy travel on the trains
• Never seen such an amazing large hall as the dining room at Palais des Papes
• No mosquitoes in Camargue, but they made a beeline (?) for us that evening in Arles
• Wine/beer quite expensive in restaurants
• Swifts & housemartins everywhere

What's real life?

Last time I was on holiday, it struck me that when I went back to work, that the 'real world' is life outside of work.  Our culture seems to view the workplace with a reverence that suggests it's more important than life outside.  Maybe this is a product of patriarchy whereby male activities are more valuable than female.

I like work, I like to achieve things, but  I like my life outside of work more.  The ideal would be a job with birds or something else that feels like reality to me.  I value education greatly, and am proud to work in support of that, but there are so many structures that have built up primarily to make people important.  Hmm.  Better stop now, 3 homemade cocktails probably making me ramble (Moscow Mule, Basil Gimlet & Pimms & ginger)

Happiness project

The grieving and painful stage has continued, and I've also been feeling angry.  It's made me distracted and I've been eating lots of chocolate & cakes.  Last wek I nearly had to pay a £50 parking fee & also got on the wrong train with the risk of paying the full fare.  Luckily in both cases the officials showed a human side  & let me off.  What upset me wasn't so much the thought of the cost but my incompetence at getting into those situations.  Anyway, after a difficult week,  I saw Leon who came to fetch his bike, and I had a cathartic sob.  Now I feel much calmer, and am looking forward to a holiday with friends.  But I'm still searching for answers, and ways to feel better so I was googling loss, loneliness, happiness and came across the happiness project which is interesting.

One strategy I'm using is to try to make some plans.  So I would like to go to the Chelsea Flower show next year, and to Scotland,   and maybe the year after to Costa Rica for some superb bird watching.  I will try to cook a new recipe each month from my cookery books & blog a photo of it.  And maybe I should think about changes to the garden & some redecorating.

All good things to look forward to.  well, not the decorating...

One step forward, one step back

Decided to document that though I'm not feeling more positive, I'm probably not feeling any worse.  So i'm stationary, which is better than going backwards.  On the negative side I'm still feeling a bit tearful quite often, and indecisive, useless blah blah blah.  On the positive side I have read a couple of books in the last few days, and although I feel tearful, most of the time I don't cry.  It's the inner monologue which is the problem, constantly trying to analyse what went wrong, and wishing things were 'normal' again. And I've got to recognise that often that inner voice is the same for many people in different circumstances, and it's just a case of telling it to shut up. So shut up!  And I shall feel good about regaining my interest in tv. with a dvd of the excellent Danish thriller 'The Killing' which is going to keep me going for a while.

Holiday time

So I've had 2 weeks & 1 day off work.  Tomorrow I'm going to an event in London, so will be back properly on Wednesday.

Sometimes doing nothing can seem very wasteful.  And it feels like I've not been very active during my break.  And in a bit of low part of the separation process, a grieving stage.  I've had to do some tidying up and have come across memories - cards, clothes, books.  So I want to take some positive thoughts out of the last couple of weeks, to remember that I don't have to be busy all the time, and that what I do is worthwhile.

So here's a quick list:

• went birdwatching with Stan.  It was quiet bird-wise, but we did see a whitethroat which was a new one for him, and we heard a bittern which lots of people would love to do
• Visited relatives in Wales.  Good to do
• Some tidying and planting in the garden
• Tidied the garage, and removed the rat mess.  Yuk that was very smelly
• Done lots of cooking, including cakes for wildlife trust open garden yesterday
• Had some nice walks

OK that's better than I thought.  I'm not reading much at the moment, but perhaps during my next break in 3 weeks (!) I'll get some done.

Pond update

About a year ago I got a pond dug at the end of the garden.  It's now looking nicely established.  I got pond plants via Freecycle, which also brought snails.  The snails have thrived, as have the plants.  The banks created from the topsoil have been covered by mostly weeds, but ones that I want such as brunnera & forget-me-nots.  I had a few bulbs, and there are a couple of arum lilies which I hope will have survived the winter.

The pond shape has worked out OK.  One change I would make would be to lower the ridge slightly, as whenever the water level drops the liner is exposed, which isn't very attractive.  However, I hope that eventually some weeds will grow over that.
A slight disappointment is the lack of frogs.  I hoped for frogspawn this year.  But after the snake incident last September, perhaps they've been scared away.  I've seen one small one, so maybe more will find it eventually.