ch ch ch changes

So I'm a singleton again, for the first time in 25 years. And there is a lot of emotion churning around in me, which is leading to some sleeping difficulties, so I've decided to update this to let some of it out, and maybe help process what's happening.

My friends have kept me going. I've always thrived on the company of people I feel relaxed with, and it's been so important over the last few weeks.

But I still feel cast adrift, furiously finding the positives in order to mask the deep pain and sense of loss I'm feeling.

Time will heal, and I just want to fast forward to when it has. I've no sense of how long that will be.

I really miss the sharing - laughs, food, entertainment, wonder at nature. I can have that with good friends, but there's nobody for all of it,and I do miss that. Keep thinking about a pet. amyone know a dog who's into the Wire?

I also skirt round the idea that there are lessons to learn. Is it too soon for that? I haven't talked to L about what went wrong, my thoughts are that we could both have behaved differently to improve things. But I felt too tired to keep trying. I didn't fight his decision at all. I don't think that was defeatist, but there are no certainties.

So last day of the working week, going to London tomorrow. I must plan a holiday.

Things I love about summer

Wow.  The whole summer went by and I didn't do this.  And today is apparently the start of autumn.  So a retrospective:

• Fruits - raspberry, strawberry, apricot, tayberry
• Long evenings
• Pub garden after work
• Swifts, nightjars, nightingales
• Ice cream! Ok that's one for all year round
• Waiting to see hummingbird-hawk moth (doesn't happen often)
• Token night camping.

Just realised I started my likes list last summer, and it was similar but there were differences.  So I'll leave this & see how things change in future.

Doom & gloom

I am disappointed that we are again under a Conservative government taking an axe to the services which support the vulnerable. Who only see value in education as a training tool to make more bankers who will then gamble away the country's reserves. Broken Britain? We haven't seen the half of it. Once they've finished with the public sector it will be a sad sad mess.

Things I love about spring

The snow seems to have gone now, and we've had some warmer days, although it's a bit variable. Since taking up birdwatching, spring is my favourite time of year, although trying to think of things I love about it I realise that it's more an overall sense of excitement and pleasure in the longer days, rather than specifics. But here goes, things I love about spring:

• Return of the migrants - swallows, cuckoo, warblers
• First bees buzzing around
• In about a month's time enjoying English asparagus & new potatoes
• Mini eggs
• Lungwort blooming in our gravel garden
• Frogs
• Lambs
• Planting seeds with high hopes of a vast crop of vegetables & flowers
  

A day of gardening

I've enjoyed the last day of my holiday mostly in the garden. It was dry, initially cool then short periods of warmth. The stray cat Mr Winter was sunbathing, and I got a nice photo of him. I've been fiddling with the pond a bit, added some stones and plants. There are now some diving beetles in there. Elsewhere I discovered a possible bee nest - holes in the ground that bees seem to be making. It was a good day pottering and listening to lots of Radio 4 and Guardian podcasts.

Easter update

Not done too well at keeping up with this. Might start to use it to log my moth trapping. Had the trap out twice overnight now, last week got 50 in there, which was hard work.

Excited about new pond , see left. Will be planting up the bank over next few weeks, and putting stuff to attract the frogs. Now the clocks have changed although weather is miserable, at least get bit more light after work for pottering around if it's not raining.

Things I love about winter

We're well into winter now, and I've remembered that I should note some of the positive bits of the freezing temperatures!

• Snow when I haven't got to go to work
• The possibility of seeing waxwings
• Birds swarming on the bird table & feeders
• My new woolly hat
• Bad weather meaning the best thing to do on a Sunday afternoon is watch films on telly
• Drinking hot chocolates
• Turkish delight at Christmas
• Christmas pudding & mince pies
• Christmas, because I'm still very childish